A Touch of Lucius
by We Didn't Start the Fire
Summary: I DON'T suck at summaries. Oneshot. Parody of LMHG fics. NO pr0n. T for language. AU, post 7th year, compliant with nothing. SPOILER: Mpreg for comedic effect.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**A/N: I do not mean to offend writers of LMHG fic, as that's one of my favorite ships. This fic is meant in fun, and I hope all will take it as such.**

**In this fic, the war is over and evil has triumphed. Live with it. Ron and Harry are dead. Again, live with it. Also Voldemort's dead, because I feel like it. Lucius is King of the World, and all thanks to his silky-drawling skills! Mad skills, dude! (If you couldn't tell from that, I'm American, but I'll try to keep this as British-sounding as possible.) But anyway...**

Lucius Malfoy (as opposed to all those other Luciuses in Harry Potter) was drawling away in his King of the World acceptance speech. Little did he know that there was at least one person in the auditorium who did not welcome his speech. It was true -- Hermione Granger, thought to be dead by most of the British wizarding world, was alive and well. And, unbeknownst to either of them (Hermione or Lucius; not Hermione or the British wizarding world), they were soon to become lovers. Well, actually Lucius had an inkling, but more about that later.

Later that evening, Hermione was creeping around the outside of Lucius' mansion in order to assassinate him. She had gotten the lay of the land the night before, and was just heading toward the back entrance she planned to use, when she felt a sudden tug from her navel. She felt the world whooshing by, and landed with a stumble in an unfamiliar room. She was just getting her bearings, when she was startled by a silky voice speaking. As opposed to a silky voice running.

"Hello."

Hermione knew that voice. She would know that voice anywhere. Except possibly from inside a sound-proof room. She whirled around and saw...Harry Potter. No, just kidding; Harry's dead, remember? It was Lucius Malfoy. In a chair. "I love you," said Hermione. Just then, she remembered that this fic isn't that far along yet. "Oops, sorry. I meant; what am I doing here?"

"I cast a spell around the perimeter of my land. Which, by the way, covers over 200 acres. But that had nothing to do with anything. Anyway, the spell brought you here as soon as you crossed an invisible line."

"How did you know about my plan to assassinate you?"

"My gardener heard you sneaking around from his cottage last night. As he is a Squib, he did not confront you, but instead ran to get me. By the time I had arrived, you were gone, but I had a feeling you'd be back. And so, I set up the spell."

"Wow, that was boring and not really very important to the plot. But why?"

"To seduce you, my dear." Just then, Hermione noticed that Lucius was entirely naked. Because somehow that wasn't obvious before.

"Well it won't work. I'll never sleep with the likes of you." Little did she know how wrong she was to become.

"I have also cast a spell around this room," Lucius said calmly. "You will be unable to leave until I have left my seed in your virgin cunt."

"That was annoyingly and unnecessarily graphic," Hermione observed. "Plus, I'm not a virgin."

"Oh?" Lucius said with a raised eyebrow.

"But anyway, remind me how you knew I was coming?" Hermione said, transparently trying to change the subject.

Her ploy worked. "Oh I _always _know when a woman is 'coming,'" Lucius said with a smirk.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Is this the part where I get back to assassinating you?" she asked rhetorically. She reached into her wand storage device, which was attached to some article of her clothing, but the wand wasn't there. "My wand isn't here!" she exclaimed.

At the same time, Lucius said "Your wand isn't there, is it?"

"What happened to my wand?" she asked.

Simultaneously, Lucius said, "I'll bet you're wondering what happened to your wand."

Suddenly, they stopped speaking over one another. "Part of the spell was that your wand would be transported to a safe location until you have fulfilled the requirements of this room. I'll admit that this whole thing involves a highly complex -- and therefore improbable -- spell, but who really cares? This is, after all, an illogical parody fic."

"Good point," agreed Hermione. "So, I guess I'll just have to sit here until you get bored and set me free."

"Oh no, my dear," Lucius said with a sinister smile. "You see, should you _not_ sleep with me within the next twenty-four hours, you will die."

Hermione stared blankly at him for a moment, then said quietly, "That's some hell of a choice."

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Lucius laughed evilly. "So," he continued more calmly, "are we going to have sex now?"

"Um, what is 'no,'" Hermione replied.

"A negative response to a question," replied Lucius literally. Hermione couldn't tell if he was serious or not. (Must...resist...puns about a certain dead Order member...) "Fine," continued Lucius. "Just remember that ever since Draco joined your side of the war, married you, killed Narcissa, and died from the wounds she inflicted in that battle, I have been determined to seek revenge upon you," he said, thus explaining huge portions of the illogical back story in one fell swoop.

"You do realize that seeking revenge is not the same as getting it, right?" pointed out Hermione.

"Who's in charge here? You, Miss Grammar Queen, or me, King of the World?" Lucius demanded.

"Actually, it wasn't a grammatical error; it was a word choice error."

Lucius narrowed his eyes. "You know, you were _supposed_ to become a dumb-bunny party-girl the instant this fic began."

Hermione's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "And_ you_ were supposed to become a fluffy Muggle-born-lover capable of love."

"What!" Lucius cried out indignantly. "Are you trying to say that I'm incapable of love?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Okay then," Lucius said calmly. "Would you care for anything from the kitchens?" he asked cordially, rising from his chair."

"I wouldn't trust anything you gave me," Hermione replied baldly.

Lucius snarled in reply; "Fine!" His cloak swirled behind him as he made to exit the room.

"Wait," said Hermione, "Where'd the cloak come from?"

Lucius stopped and said (as though it were obvious), "I was wearing it."

"No; you were naked."

"A Malfoy would never just go around naked," Lucius scoffed.

"Does it bother you that under that cloak -- which, I might add, is open in front -- you're still naked?"

"Well then, you're naked under all those clothes you're wearing, aren't you, Miss Dirty-Mind?" sneered Lucius.

"I thought I was Miss Grammar Queen?" mused Hermione. "Anyway, don't sneer like that. Your face will stick that way, and then we'll all have to deal with an even uglier version of you."

"I'll sneer if I want to," Lucius said petulantly through a sneer. He turned on his toe (because turning on your heel is overrated), and put his hand on the doorknob.

"Wait," said Hermione.

Lucius sighed exasperatedly. "Are you _ever_ going to let me go sate my growing hunger?"

"I was just going to ask how you're able to leave, but I can't leave."

"Like this!" exclaimed Lucius. Dramatically, he turned the doorknob, pulled the door open, and started doing the Hokey-Pokey in the open doorway. "You put your right hand in, you take your right hand out..."

"Yes, I get it," Hermione said irritatedly. Lucius stopped singing and dancing. (It was a very un-Malfoy-like thing to do anyway.) "But what would happen if _I _did that?"

"You would receive an electric shock and be thrown back each time you put your right hand out."

"Electricity is more of a Muggle thing."

"Shut up," said Lucius. And then he finally left, closing the door behind him.

With Lucius gone, Hermione took the opportunity to look around the room. She had not failed to note the large bed in the center of the room, but now she looked at it more closely. She was immensely surprised to find that everything about it was green and silver. (Sarcasm, m'dears; sarcasm.) Looking around further, she saw an expensive-looking dresser. Atop was something which looked suspiciously like a broken Time Turner. "What's that doing in this fic?" Hermione wondered aloud. "Oh well, better go use it so that I can get myself accidentally sent back to when Lucius was in Hogwarts. Then I can discover why he is the way he is now, and sympathize with him and fall in love with him." She spun the hourglass of the Time Turner. Over and over.

3 hours later, she was on her 10,000th turn. "Goddamn, I thought this thing was supposed to be broken? And where's Lucius? And why hasn't this thing sent me back to Lucius's time yet?" Just then, with impeccable comic timing, Malfoy's Broken Time Turner of Impeccable Comic Timing sent her back to Lucius' time.

Shortly, Hermione found herself in a Hogwarts corridor. (Conveniently, the Time Turner had moved her through space as well as time.) Looking around, she easily found a younger Lucius leaning silkily against the wall and tapping his foot impatiently.

"Well it's _about time_, Hermione," Lucius complained. "What took you so long?"

"The broken Time Turner wasn't working."

"What! Are you trying to say that my future self isn't keeping the family Time Turner in perfect broken working order?"

"I guess not. I had to turn it like 10,000 times before anything went wrong."

"When you return to the future, can you take me with you so I can give Future Lucius a good smack upside the head?"

"No, that would mess up the time-space continuum," stated Hermione.

"More so than you're already doing?"

"Yes."

"Damn. I've always wanted to ask Future Lucius if I ever ended up getting into Narcissa's pants."

"Actually, you two were marri--"

"Who's this?" an approaching boy asked Lucius, cutting off Hermione.

"This is the Japanese exchange student," replied Lucius smoothly. "Her name is Carmen."

The-Boy-Who-Has-Not-Yet-Been-Named looked quizzical. "She doesn't _look_ Japanese."

Lucius turned to Hermione and studied her, hand on his chin. Finally, he turned back to the boy. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Well, okay, I guess _maybe_..." agreed the boy. No one ever argued with Lucius Malfoy. "But isn't Carmen a Spanish name?"

Lucius appeared to think for a moment. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he said again.

The boy ignored Lucius and turned to Hermione. "Say something in Japanese," he commanded.

"Anata no haha wa inu desu," (see A/N at the end) Hermione said in perfect Japanese.

"She is not!" the boy replied angrily. He snorted, then stomped away.

Hermione turned to Lucius. "Why on earth did you use that ridiculous story?"

"Because no matter how ridiculous the story is, the lesser characters always believe it."

"But what would you have done if I hadn't known how to speak Japanese?"

"To be quite honest, I think it would have been highly amusing to see you struggle to come up with something Japanese-sounding. How _do_ you know Japanese, anyway?"

Hermione looked shifty. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but I am actually Tomoko Yamada, from the anime series Yu-Gi-Yasha." (Yu-Gi-Oh + Inuyasha, if you didn't get that.)

Lucius looked quizzical. "You don't _look_ Japanese."

"Lucius no atama ga warui desu," (see A/N at the end) Hermione/Tomoko muttered to herself. "Of course I don't. I have disguised myself using an ancient and mysterious power of which no one dares speak."

"Or you could have just used a spell like a normal person."

"Yeah," admitted Hermione, "but that wouldn't have been in-keeping with the whole anime-thing. Now remember, you are never to speak of my true identity."

"Consider it done, my precious."

Hermione started. "Don't tell me we're going to start that now, too."

Lucius was perplexed. "Start what?"

"Lord of the Rings. Gollum always calls the ring 'my precious.'" Lucius was looking at her as though she were a chile relleno. (Being uber-British he'd never seen Mexican food in his life.) "Oh, never mind!" exclaimed Hermione. "Will you just tell me what I need to know, so that I can use this convenient Potion of Sending People Back to the Appropriate Place and Time Frame that I just happen to have on me?"

"What do you need to know?"

"The plot dictates that I learn enough about your troubled childhood to sympathize with you and fall in love with your future self."

"But I didn't have a troubled childhood."

"No troubled childhood?" Lucius shook his head. "Not even a little?"

"Nope."

"Goddamn! I sat there for three hours with that Time Turner for nothing?"

"Basically."

"Fine!" said Hermione angrily. She took a small vial out of her Assassin's Belt of Many Containers (which she was still wearing from earlier), removed the vial's cork, and drank its contents. That was the last that Past Lucius would ever see of her before he became Future Lucius. Which is a very confusing way to put it.

Hermione was returned to the exact place and moment she had left from. Just then, Future Lucius apparated into the room with a frying pan -- I mean, with a pop.

"In a blinding flash of light, I just realized that I met you many years ago when you were a Japanese exchange student at Hogwarts. So I've known you much longer than I thought," he said pensively, almost to himself.

"Yeah, the flash of light would have been the fabric of space-time being cruelly and needlessly sundered for the sake of a hackneyed plot device."

Lucius looked perplexed. "Right...so, are you ready to have sex with me?"

"No, but let me clear something up. Have you been wandering your mansion in nothing but a open cloak all this time?"

"What are you talking about? I've been fully dressed this whole time."

With this new information, Hermione finally dared to look below his neck. "Ack!" she exclaimed, covering her eyes.

"Gotcha!" said Lucius triumphantly. "Yes, I have been wandering the mansion like this." Hermione's eyebrows shot up to her hairline.

"I thought you said a Malfoy would never just go around naked?"

Lucius scoffed. "It hardly counts if I'm wearing a cloak. Besides, it's not like there's anyone around out there but the houselfs."

"The things about Lucius Malfoy I never wanted to know," Hermione said sardonically.

"So I'm guessing you're not ready to sleep with me yet?"

"No. Especially not after seeing you in your birthday suit. Again." She shuddered theatrically.

"Fine." Lucius left again, this time without doing the hokey-pokey.

Hermione sat down in a plain, straight-backed wooden chair in the corner. She would have sat in the cozy armchair Lucius had vacated earlier, but she didn't want to get cooties from where his naked butt had been (she still contended that he hadn't been wearing his cloak when sitting). And she sat. And she waited for something to happen. "99 bottles of beer on the wall..." she began to sing.

She was down to 36 bottles, when she burst out, "Oh screw this! I'm _bored!_ Lucius, I'll have sex with you!" she called to the empty room, not really expecting anything to happen.

Lucius apparated in. "You rang?"

"What the -- how did you --" spluttered Hermione.

"That was a foolish question," Lucius pointed out. "I thought you were smarter than that, Hermione." None of this was helping Hermione's blood pressure. "I am carrying a device set up to alarm me when you say the word sex."

A mischievous smile came across Hermione's face. "SEX!"

Something in Lucius' cloak pocket started beeping. And continued beeping. "Dammit!" said Lucius. He reached into his pocket and extracted a small magical pager. He pressed a button on it, and it stopped beeping. He put it back in his pocket.

"SEX!" The pager started beeping again. Lucius turned it off. The process continued seven times, until finally Lucius pulled out his wand from its pocket and cast a Silencing Charm on Hermione.

"There," he said smugly. Hermione had stood up, and was silently screaming at the top of her lungs and waving her arms wildly. She picked up the broken Time Turner from the dresser and chucked it at Lucius. He ducked, and it shattered against the far wall, thus becoming even more broken. "Watch it! That's a family heirloom!" Pumped with adrenaline from being angry, Hermione launched the chair she had been sitting in in Lucius' general direction. Lucius stepped aside as it, too, crashed against the wall. "That, I don't care about. It's just a crappy chair."

Before Hermione could find anything else to throw, Lucius crossed the room and grabbed her wrists. "And this, sweetheart, is where we kiss." He leaned in toward her, but she sent a knee to his groin. "Ow! Bloody hell, woman, you're lucky that didn't strike home." He flicked his wand, and ropes sprung from the floor to bind Hermione's legs. Unfortunately for him, he had to let go of one of her wrists to do so. She promptly slapped him. "Bitch." He bound her hands as well. "Fine. Screw it. Die, for all I care. But I still have to advance the plot, so I will return in an hour to ask you again if you will sleep with me." Lucius left.

By now, Hermione had to pee very badly. However, between having her legs bound and not knowing where the toilet was, this would be a difficult task to accomplish. And so she waited. And waited. After what seemed like an eternity of standing there and painfully holding it in, Lucius returned, looking significantly more cheerful than when he left. Hermione attributed that to probable House Elf abuse.

"I am entirely dressed now," he stated. It was true, but Hermione no longer cared. He noticed the pained expression on Hermione's face. "Oh, terribly sorry, love; are the ropes holding you too tightly?" he asked genuinely, as he released her. Hermione shook her head. "Well what, then?" Hermione mouthed the word "toilet." "Speak up, if you would." Hermione glared. "Ohhh...Silencing Charm. Right." Hermione couldn't tell if he had really forgotten or if he was just playing with her, but either way, right then she felt like poking his eyes out with his own fingers. After dismembering said fingers. After visiting the toilet. While she was contemplating this, Lucius took the charm off.

"How bloody dense can you get?" Hermione nearly screamed. "I HAVE TO PEE, YOU MORON!"

"You didn't have to wait for me, you know. The loo's right there," Lucius said, pointing to a door in the room.

"I would argue with the not having to wait for you part, but I have to pee too badly." Hermione went to the toilet.

She was immensely surprised to find, upon finishing and going to wash her hands, that the sink was green marble with silver fixtures. She was also surprised that the towels were green and embroidered with silver snakes charmed to wiggle when touched. "Typical," she muttered.

"What's that?" Lucius called through the door.

"Are you listening to me pee? You're a pervert."

"Yes," replied Lucius.

"'Yes' to which part?"

"Both."

Hermione stepped out of the toilet. Lucius was obstructing the doorway. "Get away from me," Hermione said tiredly.

"But of course," Lucius said, and moved all the way across the room.

"Where are you going?" She saw Lucius' lips move, but couldn't hear him. "Goddamn, why are you whispering? Get back here." Lucius moved a few steps closer, and whispered again.

She thought she discerned the words "Can you hear me now?"

"Closer, dammit! Don't make me come over there."

He got as close to her as physically possible, then leaned in to her ear and said, "Can you hear me now?" He followed this up with sticking his tongue in her ear.

"Ew, gross! What, do you have some kind of earwax fetish? If you really want to taste earwax, I hear Bertie Bott makes a bean like that. They're the toffee-coloured ones," she said helpfully.

"I'll keep that in mind," breathed Lucius into her ear, both silkily and smoothly -- at the same time! "Is it time for us to have sex yet?"

"N.H.," said Hermione.

"Come again?"

"Not. Happening."

"What is it with teenagers and abbreviations?" muttered Lucius.

"I'm a young adult, thank-you-very-much."

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen," Hermione said reluctantly.

"Hence, a teenager."

A smirk crept across Hermione's face. "How old are you?"

"A very sexy age, I assure you," drawled Lucius (silkily!).

"Oh good Lord, get over yourself. How old are you? Forty? Forty-five?"

"Forty-eight," mumbled Lucius.

"Haha!" guffawed Hermione wildly. "Old geezer. You're older than my dad! Whatever made you think I'd sleep with you?"

"The fact that you will die shortly if you don't," answered Lucius sinisterly.

"Oh. Right. Er, how long do I have now?"

"Why? So you can procrastinate more on having sex with the wizarding world's greatest lover?"

"So there are better lovers who are Muggles?"

"Good point. I amend what I said. I'm the best lover in the world."

"So there are better lovers who are extraterrestrials?"

"In the universe, then."

"So there are better lovers who are--"

"Shut up. No, there are no alternate-universe beings who are better lovers than I am."

"I thought we _were_ alternate universe beings, according to the summary?"

"What is this 'summary' you speak of?"

"Good point."

"You hate me, don't you?" Lucius said academically and out of the blue.

"Yes."

"Good. Hatred is only one step away from love, you know."

"No it's not! They're on opposite ends of a spectrum! What you said makes no sense."

"Ah, but that's not how it works in LMHG fics."

"Mmm," said Hermione noncommittally. She was reluctant to admit that, at this particular point, she had no awareness of herself as a character in a fanfic, and therefore had no clue what Lucius was on about. (This awareness came and went whenever it was comedically convenient.)

"Oh, by the way," said Lucius, "I changed the time limit. You now only have one hour, because I'm getting sick of this. Good day." He made to leave.

"Wait!" cried Hermione.

Lucius smirked. "I knew you'd come to your senses."

"Fine. Let's just get it over and done with."

"Let's go."

insert graphic sex scene not technically allowed on fanfiction . net and repeatedly punning on the title phrase here

"Wow," said Hermione, laying naked on the bed and resting her head on Lucius' (similarly naked, obviously) shoulder.

"Indeed," agreed Lucius. In a moment of post-coital clarity, he realised that he loved her. "_Wow, that's odd_," he thought. "_How did that happen?_"

Meanwhile, Hermione was having generic similar thoughts. However, she knew that, even if Lucius loved her back, he would never admit it. But she wasn't just going to put her feelings on the line without checking first. "If I were about to be killed for some reason, would you try to save me?" she asked Lucius randomly.

"Well, that just happened," pointed out Lucius. "You were about to die, and I had sex with you to save you."

"I thought you had sex with me because you were horny and wanted revenge."

"That too. Hermione, I have to confess something. I'm pregnant with Severus Snape's child."

"What the hell!"

"Will you marry me?"

"Are you trying to work in every cliché known to fanfiction all at once?"

"Yes. I never loved Severus, he was just a pale substitute for you. I love you, Hermione."

"I love you too, Lucius. Yes, I will marry you. Together, we will raise the child, and he'll be like my own."

"The child will be raised with a bit of Hermione," Lucius said with a smile.

"But more importantly, with a touch of Lucius," Hermione replied. They fell asleep in each other's arms.

**Epilogue...in which something totally unexpected happens:**

Hermione looked stunning in her wedding dress, and Lucius, now eight months pregnant, was looking radiant in a tuxedo specially tailored for his situation. In the end, they had decided to elope and get married on a magically hidden beach in France, since neither of them liked the fuss of big ceremonies. Right then, Hermione was letting the priest's words wash over her. The moment came for her to say "I do."

Instead, Hermione pulled out her wand. "_Avada Kedavra!_" she yelled, pointing her wand at Lucius. The shocked look on his face as he fell to the ground was worth the months she had spent making him think she loved him. Plus, the sex had been good, as it turned out.

The priest had his wand out, but it was too late. Hermione killed him as well. "Sorry, old man," she said with pity. "It wouldn't have done for there to be a witness." She looked at Lucius. Finding an explanation for the death of the much-hated King of the World wouldn't be difficult. Perhaps some good might even come of his death for the wizarding world, although it was more likely that another evil wizard would just take his place. It didn't matter to her; she was just glad that the man she hated was dead.

In terms of explaining away the priest's death, she had chosen that particular priest precisely because he had no one to care if he disappeared. She was still staring at Lucius. "Bastard. I can't believe he thought I loved him all this time. And now," she said with grim satisfaction, "I will never again feel a touch of Lucius."

**A/N: I tried to resurrect some of the Japanese I learned years ago. It may or may not be correct, but I was trying to have Hermione tell the boy that his mother is a dog, and Lucius that he's stupid.**


End file.
